Feeling the blues.....

I can feel my heart breaking whenever I think about the mistakes I have made over the years. I yearn to turn back time and to make different choices. Sometimes I wonder if falling in love with my first love has made me into the person I am today or I'm just a spoilt, self-centered little madam who thinks nothing is her fault?

Sometimes I wonder why I bother dating? It's not like I really need a man in my life!! I mean what the hell is wrong with being single? Why is it that people who are in relationships feel the need to pressure their SINGLE friends into relationships? I'm fine with my current status right now thank you very much!! Although technically I'm not single right now but I like to delude myself into thinking I am NOT in a loveless relationship right now ( I am so sorry for saying this, You-Know-Who. But this is how I feel about our 'situation' right now) I can't stop the way I'm feeling just because I'm afraid of offending your sensibilities. I know you see me as this selfish, self-centered girl who thinks everything should revolve around her but I can assure you that you are not seeing the real me. Although I have the utmost confidence that you will detest the sight of me after what is going to happen in these few days.... that is to say if I can summon my courage to tell how I really feel about the direction we're heading. All I can say is that I am so,so sorry for letting you think that we...... nevermind.....


This is me stripped... of everything I use to make me feel remotely attractive not that I have ever felt attractive.
And to 'Mr. Charismatic' (you know who you are) I am so sorry ..................................................... You are a great guy, a fantastic date!! I really enjoyed myself but if I knew you expected more from me.... I would have never gone out with you. Not because I dislike you but I can honestly tell you that right now I am too fucked up for anything that will resemble a relationship. Hence my apology. I know you said that I am a fun and witty companion but I assure you that I am far more screwed up than you think.... trust me the things you saw during the time we spent together was only the tip of the iceberg. Still I don't to be disappointed (again....) and most of all I don't want you to be disappointed...


I guess being single is the only option I have unless I want to have complicated and confusing
relationships....... AGAIN. I'm so tired of having so much baggage but this 'baggage' is not something I can lose just with a snap of my fingers. According to some 'caring' friends, I just need to submit myself to the 'joys' of therapy. Of course these are the same people who dull their senses with alcohol and pills. Whatever *rolls eyes* I want to be emotionally healthy and all that jazz but right now I sincerely believe no 19 year old have NO emotional problems. So unless I'm taking drugs or participating in orgies leave me to my angst and moping! I can't be all about fucking Sunshine, Hugs and Puppies!! Not that I am Miss Cheery in the first place but I absolutely resent the fact that people expect me to be something that I am not. I am not going to apologize for having my own opinions, I am not going to apologize for desiring more freedom AND I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING THE DEMURE WALLFLOWER YOU WISH ME TO BE! I am so fucking tired of repressing all the words I want to say to your face! Yet I STILL can't do so because I don't want World War 3 to occur BUT.... one day you may actually push me over the edge and that's when all hell will break lose because I don't want to be Little Miss Nice anymore!!