I wonder....

Now that I've cast off the chains of my adolescence, I wonder where will my path lead me to... A life of bitterness, regrets and sorrow or a life of mediocrity.... Will I be one of the lucky ones who finds joy and happiness? I highly doubt that I will be one of the lucky ones... Lady Luck has never favoured me.... Over the years, I've learnt that love is something that is precious and rare and I'm unlikely to experience for longer than a moment let alone a lifetime....

Frankly, I find it a little sad and pathetic that all I have learnt about love is that it is like taking a bad fall... in the end you're left broken and scarred with only the memories of pain that fills your sleep with nightmares... I'm well aware of my own failings but never have I been so absorbed with my own ineptitude in dealing with the pain in my soul that I have lost sight of all that is good and pure in the world... Living a life filled with vices has not given me the release I sought.

Alcohol has not liberated me from the ache that fills my heart..... It has only gifted me with the knowledge that no matter how much you want to move on, you're still stuck in the same spot you were in years ago....Smoking has only led me to think that people only do that to delude themselves into thinking that their troubles will drift away like the smoke that filled the air..... Binge eating has only led me to the constant taste of bile that fills the throat that the thought of food no longer fills me with pleasure....

I've wondered what the hell is wrong with me that I can't feel even the slightest bit of joy in starting something new.... All I feel is the apprehension that any contentment I experience will disappear the moment I let my guard down.... Learning not to care about anything and everything has made me numb and it is in this numbness that I revel in knowing that I will never experience the pain of betrayal and heartbreak again.... I no longer care that happiness will not be part of my destiny... I no longer wonder what is this thing that people call love... I no longer desire for a different life... I only wish that numbness will be my constant companion for now and for eternity.....